The Silence Is Unbearable
by JanieTattoos
Summary: After weeks of distance, Jane finally asks Kurt to sit down with her and talk about everything that's happened. Set after the season 2 time jump.


Kurt swung open the apartment door to find his wife sitting on the couch, a half-filled glass of bourbon in her hand.

Jane glanced at the clock on the kitchen counter when she heard the door open behind her. 11:30pm. When they'd first got married, he'd promised her that he would always be home by 11, even if it was a hectic day. But recently, since her return to New York, he had been staying on at work for as late as possible, every single night, and then when he did eventually come home, he only spoke to her if it was absolutely necessary. It was exhausting.

"Who are you expecting?" he asked, referencing the second glass on the coffee table.

She turned around to face him. "You," she said plainly. "I thought we could have a drink together".

He looked down at his feet. "I'd rather not," he said curtly. "I'm just gonna go straight to bed".

He was halfway towards the bedroom when her voice broke the silence.

"Please, Kurt. We need to talk about everything that's happened. About us". He eyes filled with tears. "Please".

He turned back to face her. His dark circles were accentuated under the dim lights. She wondered when was the last time he'd had a good night's sleep.

"Fine," he sighed. "But just one drink".

She felt her shoulders slacken slightly with relief as he made his way over to the couch. He filled the empty glass with bourbon and then sat on the opposite side of the couch. He didn't have the nerve to sit next to her.

Jane rubbed her thumb over the rim of her glass, tension writhering in her stomach. She had so much to say to him, and yet she didn't know where to start.

Her voice came out in a timid murmur as she spoke. "I really need you to understand that when I left, I did it to protect you. I know it doesn't seem like it, because I caused you a lot of pain, but-"

"No, Jane, you caused me _so_ much more than pain." He spoke as if he was trying to stop himself from lashing out completely. "You have no idea how I felt when I woke up that morning and realised you were gone. You have no idea how confused and terrified I felt when I read your letter, telling me you were gone but you couldn't say why. You have no idea how much I doubted myself as a husband, thinking that you couldn't stand to be with me anymore, that I'd hurt you in some way. You have no idea how painstakingly long it took to find you, how the team and I spent almost every night working late, just in case we got a lead on you. I've never felt more scared in my entire life, and that includes when Taylor disappeared."

"And I'm sorry," she insisted, tears spilling over her cheeks. "There wasn't a single day during those six months where I didn't think about you. I wanted to tell you everything, but it wasn't safe, they… they threatened to kill you, they said that if I didn't leave, they'd hurt Sarah and Sawyer, and Allie and Ellie… everyone that you care about. They were after me, and I knew that if I was out of your life, then you'd be safe, and everyone you care about would be safe too."

"You don't get it, though, do you, Jane?" he said sadly. "I care about _you._ Yes, I love the rest of my family, but you're the most important person in my life, and without you, I'm… I'm a wreck." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I just… I don't know if I can trust you again".

She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. "Of course you can," she whispered weakly.

"I'm not so sure," he said, taking a sip of bourbon. "Every time I wake up now in the morning, a part of me expects you to have disappeared again. I get nervous if I don't hear from you after a certain amount of time. I'm finding myself second-guessing you in the field, half-expecting you to go it alone and sacrifice yourself to protect the team. I just… I want you to value your life, Jane. You keep hitting your own self-destruct button, and it's killing me inside watching you do it. I want to trust you, I want to believe that you're okay, but I… I can't. I can't handle this if you're just going to pack up and run every single time a hurdle comes our way".

"I can't help it," she whispered, staring at her drink. "I care about you so much, and if something ever happened to you because of me, I wouldn't… I…"

She fully broke down then, putting her head in her hands, tears dripping onto her lap. At that point, he gave up his pride. He slid over towards her and pulled her close to him, putting an arm around her shoulder. She allowed herself to lean into him, after weeks of separation and longing. She buried her face in his neck as he rubbed continuous circles on her back, something which he knew always helped her to calm down. He pressed his lips to her temple, and she sighed.

"I'm ridiculously in love with you, Jane," he said quietly, "but I don't want us to keep going through these situations where both of us end up hurt. I want us to be happy".

"Me too," she whispered, her breath tickling the skin on his neck. "I want us to be happy. More than anything."

She looked up at him, tears still glistening in her eyes. He leaned down and planted an all-too-brief kiss on her lips, before resting his head against hers.

"We're gonna be okay," he whispered in the dark. "We're gonna get through this".


End file.
